The Review

My daughter has a new boyfriend.

 

Well, he’s not exactly new. They have been dating for about a year and a half so I guess the new has worn off and he could be considered a ‘used’ boyfriend by this point.

 

I wonder if he came with a warranty.

 

Anyway, my beautiful wife and I recently returned from a trip to Alaska and while we were out west, we decided to stay a few extra days and meet up with our daughter and her used boyfriend in San Francisco for a few days.

 

Since we returned home, I have had people ask me how I like the new/used boyfriend. So, I thought I would share my ‘review’

of this low-mileage beau with my Faithful Readers.

 

First I need to figure out what to call him. .

 

Yes, he does have a name but I don’t want to use it. You know, to protect the innocent and all.

 

His name rhymes with Slack. But that makes him sound lazy. And he’s not lazy.

 

There’s Sack. But that sounds dirty. Maybe Plaque. That sounds like the name of serial killer dentist. Knack? Well, crap. Now I can’t stop singing ‘My Sharona’ in my head.

 

How about if I just call him Joe. Joe’s your buddy. Joe is the kinda’ guy who will help you bury a body in the middle of the night and not ask questions.

 

So, Joe it is.

 

First off, ‘Joe’ is a professional chef. That’s good. It means that if he and my daughter do stay together for the long haul, at least she won’t starve.

 

Unless Joe is poor. And then I guess she will at least be lucky that he’ll be able to make government cheese and powdered eggs taste like it came from the Four Seasons.

 

Next, he was raised right. As a father, I was glad to hear that. The last thing a dad wants is for his baby girl to hitch her wagon to a Devil worshipper who drinks the blood of children and sleeps in a coffin of dirt from Transylvania.

 

Joe was raised in a Christian home and spent several years working as a foreign missionary. So far, so good.

 

Joe’s not ugly.

 

Not that this would be a deal breaker for me. I’m no GQ model myself so I don’t hold anyone’s hideous countenance against them.

 

Joe’s not leading man handsome but he is not repugnant or repulsive with one eye in the middle of his forehead or a nose that he has to move aside in order to eat an ice cream cone.

 

If my daughter decides to mix her DNA with his, my grandchildren will still have the chance of coming out looking moderately attractive.

 

Although they might be bald like Joe. Yeah, he is as bald as a bowling ball.

 

But none of that really mattered to me- his ability to cook, his job, his wealth or his looks. All of that is pretty superficial.

 

What mattered to me was how he treated my daughter. That would be what determines whether I gave him five stars or went to the Dark Web to hire a hit man.

 

Over the course of the three days that we were with them, I observed the manner in which he talked to my daughter. The way he did things like open the door for her or offered her a seat on the subway.

 

Although those kind of things are generally frowned upon in today’s ‘equitable’ society, I still believe in men acting with old-fashioned respect for women and was glad to see Joe did, too.

 

That last area of review was Joe’s ability to keep his wits around us.

 

Especially around my daughter.

 

So what does that mean exactly?

 

Well, to put it bluntly, you don’t last long in this family unless you have a pretty tough skin. All of my children have pretty strong personalities. You might would even call them acerbic.

 

If you can’t think fast on your feet and have a sharp wit, you don’t survive very long in the Lovett clan. Not that we’re mean. It’s just the opposite. I would say that we live in a constant state of wisecrackery and buffoonery.

 

If you want to be able to get a word in, you have to be able to match wits with professional and experienced smart asses like my daughter.

 

On the Smart Ass Scale, Joe falls somewhere around a 8.5. So, he should be okay for a few years. Or until he is slowly driven insane, whichever comes first.

 

On Twitter, when you are verified, you get a blue check mark. When you know how to really work with money, you are certified as a CPA.

 

But there is no certificate given to people who have been reviewed and certified to be good in-law material. So, I think I’ll start one.

 

It will be called the ISS or In-law Satisfaction Scale. Scoring is on a scale of 1-82. (Just because this is a weird thing to judge so it should have a weird scale.)

 

There are four categories, each worth 20 points each with two bonus points given for the ability to correctly tie a bow tie.

 

Category 1: Being Employed.

Joe has a job as a chef in a very fancy restaurant in Phoenix. In fact, it is so fancy that I cannot pronounce most of the things on the menu. 20 points

 

Category 2: Decent Morals

This doesn’t mean you have to be a priest or run a soup kitchen. Just be a decent person who doesn’t cheat on your taxes and kick stray dogs. I’ll give Joe 20 points in this category.

 

Category 3: The Way You Treat My Daughter.

This one is subjective. If you’re nice to her, I’m nice to you. If you’re not, I’m prone to leaving you behind at an isolated rest stop during a cross country trip. 20 points.

 

Category Four: Knowledge of Friends Trivia.

Yeah, this is a weird category but our family grew up watching the TV show, Friends. We know every episode from memory and frequently quote lines from our favorite ones. If you don’t know Friends, you’ll soon realize that you’re an outsider around here. I have no idea what Joe’s knowledge is of Friends trivia but my daughter hasn’t killed him yet so there must be something there. 10 points.

 

And I don’t know if Joe knows how to tie a bow tie. He didn’t wear one while we were is SF. But I also don’t know if he doesn’t, so I’ll give home one point in the miscellaneous category.

 

That’s a total score of 71 out of 82.

 

Not a perfect score but that’s okay. I don’t want him to be perfect.

 

But wait, you say. This may be your daughter’s husband one day. The father of your grandchildren. The man who continues your legacy for all eternity.

 

Don’t you want him to be as perfect as possible?

 

No, I don’t.

 

Why? Because my daughter isn’t perfect. She has her own flaws. Her own shortcomings. Her own demons that she has to push down every day so they don’t overtake her.

 

Just like the rest of us.

 

She’s not perfect. The last thing she needs is to hitch herself to someone who is and spend the rest of her life trying to live up to that standard.

 

She doesn’t need a supermodel. Or a muscle-bound jock. Or somebody rich or famous.

 

What she needs is someone who loves her just the way she is. Flaws and all.

 

And I believe Joe does.

 

So who cares that he is bald. Or has skinny white legs. Cooks stuff in his restaurant that my grandmother would have fed to the chickens. Or talks with a weird midwestern accent.

 

As long as he loves my daughter the way she is… and keeps on loving her the way she will be in thirty years…. then I give him five stars.

 

Unless he starts wearing a fanny pack. If that happens, I retain the right to revise my review.

 

I do have my standards.