Me for President

Somebody asked me this week which candidate I was going to vote for in the upcoming presidential race.

I didn’t have to think about it long.

“Neither.”

I’m sorry if this ruffles the feathers of any of my friends on the right or the left.

But dang…

I can either vote for an 81 year old guy who falls up stairs (I’m not sure how you do that) or another 80 year old dude who is so easily angered that he would stab his own mother in the back.

I’m sorry but I feel the way a lot of Americans do about the upcoming presidential race.

If my only two choices are an octogenarian who wants me to stop driving my truck and switch to an electric vehicle that will have to be charged by the time

I get to the end of my driveway. Or another octogenarian who thinks Kim Jong Un is a ‘nice guy.’ (He’s not)

So, I am stuck.

Neither one of those old codgers is suited to be the leader of the free world.

And apparently neither party seems to care that Americans don’t want either candidate.

A new poll shows that over 70% of American voters don’t want either guy to be president. 70%!

It’s sorta’ like an arranged marriage. We would rather choose our own candidate (and spouse) without any ‘help’ from all those people who think they know what’s best for us.

So, with no viable candidate for my vote, I’ve decided that maybe I should run for president.

Don’t laugh. I’m not the only village idiot who has ever wanted to be president. There have been plenty before me.

There’s Jonathan ‘The Impaler’ Sharkey.

Who wouldn’t want a guy called The Impaler in the White House. Sharkey is a self-proclaimed vampire and only drinks the blood of women because “women are beautiful…they have such beautiful necks and arms.”

I would love to see his campaign commercials.

Then there’s Vermin Love Supreme.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that is probably not the name his mama gave him.

Vermin is a performance artist who wears a big boot for a hat and carries around a 6-foot tooth brush.

Of the many killer promises he’s planned if elected, the ones that stand out the most involve a law requiring everyone in America to brush their teeth, research devoted to the concept of time travel, a free pony to everyone in the nation, and zombie apocalypse awareness.

Free pony? Sign me up!

There are hundreds of nut jobs who have run for president so I wouldn’t be the first.

So, what do I promise if elected the 47th President of the United States?

Well, the first thing I would do is have everyone call me The Claw.

I know that sounds weird but imagine how fearful our enemies would be when they were told by their chief of staff that there’s a phone call from The Claw.

Bet those folks in Yemen would think twice about messing with somebody like that.

And then I would do away with income taxes. I hate paying taxes and I know you do, too.

So what would I do to raise money? Have a bake sale.

Our annual budget is about $6.3 trillion dollars. So, in order to raise the money we needed, the government would have to sell 12.5 trillion cookies at fifty cents each.

There are roughly 3 million federal employees so each of them will have to sell 4,666,000 each.

Or we could just hire three Girl Scouts and have the money by Tuesday.

And finally, as president, I would make sure that America is never out done by any of those Eurotrash countries from across the pond.

No way are we going to let those commie-loving socialists in Norway, France or Azerbaijan pretend they are a better than America. No way!

If they have a four day work week, I’ll propose a three day work week.

If European workers only work 30 hours a week, I’ll mandate a 20 hour work week for Americans.

If they get six months off for maternity leave, I’ll make sure new American mothers get six years off.

I would lower the drinking age to three. Hey, if people in Italy allow their kids to drink wine from a baby bottle, the least we could do would be to allow our toddlers to crack open a cold one after a long day at daycare.

I’d lower the national debt by selling Oregon and Washington to Canada. Maybe even California so we can have a little pocket money. Nobody will miss those states.

And everyone will get 9 months of vacation every year. And a free pony.

Hey, if Vermin Love Supreme can do it, so can I.

So, who would you rather have as president? Two guys who are older than air conditioning or someone who is going to give you 9 months vacation, a drunk baby and a free pony?

Pretty clear choice, right?

I won’t be on the ballot so you’ll have to write me in.

Don’t worry. Unlike our current choices for president, I have no previous political experience. I’ve never held public office. I don’t know anything about international relations, the capital of all the states or who is on Mt.

Rushmore.

But unlike the other two guys, I don’t need a diaper. Or a muzzle.

Sounds like I am the perfect candidate.