Vampire

I don’t sleep very well.

 

It started about two years ago. I just stopped sleeping. I was not able to fall asleep, and I was not able to stay asleep, if I did manage a little slumber.

 

I asked my doctor why I was having this problem and his answer was, “You’re old. Old people don’t sleep.”

 

He’s a good doctor, but I think he’s wrong on this. I’ve been in nursing homes where the residents are lined up and down the hallways in their wheelchairs and they’re all fast asleep.

 

They are old and they are sleeping, so I knew it was possible. I just had to find the right approach.

 

I tried melatonin and it did nothing so I took four times the dose and still nothing.

 

My tongue did feel hairy the next day.

 

I got some over-the-counter sleeping pills and they were also a disappointment. I didn’t take four times the dose of those because I’ve seen a lot of those old movies where people took a handful of sleeping pills and never wake up.

 

I wanna wake up, but in order to do that, I have to go to sleep first.

 

I tried Benadryl. Nothing. A glass of warm milk before bed. Nada.

 

I was getting ready to call up Michael Jackson’s old doctor to see if he could hit me up with some of that good stuff he gave Michael but couldn’t find his number.

 

Out of desperation, I tried some less than scientific methods of falling asleep. Chewing on a frog’s foot. Leeches. Herbal teas that tasted like they had been brewed using dirty gym shorts.

 

I even tried exercising to make me tired. That lasted one night.

 

I’d rather die from insomnia than jog a mile.

 

After trying literally everything I could, I finally found something that worked. I won’t say what it was, but it rhymes with CBC Yummies.

 

I’ll take me one of those chewy little morsels about two hours before bedtime and by the time I’m ready to go to sleep, they have kicked in.

 

If you have ever seen Mutual of Omaha‘s Wild Kingdom, then you’ve seen Marlin Perkins shoot a water buffalo with a tranquilizer gun. That is pretty much how I now fall asleep.

 

One minute I’m awake. The next, I’m in a coma.

 

One person who is glad that I’m sleeping (other than me) is my lovely wife because now she can be her true self.

 

Unfortunately, that happens to be a vampire.

 

I know that is a serious charge to make, but there is no other explanation.

 

I will occasionally wake in the middle of the night (to pee) and she’s gone.

 

Back when I couldn’t sleep, she was not able to leave under the cover of darkness to do her evil bidding.

 

But now that I am in such a stupor (from yummies) that I usually just ignore that she’s not on her side of the bed and slip back into my dreams. But I wonder what she’s doing.

 

Is she out mowing the grass or painting the house? No, she hates to paint.

 

And her lawn mower doesn’t have headlights.

 

Maybe she took a job on the night shift at a factory and didn’t tell me. But I can’t see her putting rivets in a go-cart without being to take her dogs.

 

So there is only one explanation for why she disappears at night. She is a blood-sucking vampire that hunts her victims under the cloak of darkness while I enjoy my slumber.

 

There is no other explanation.

 

I guess I could try to gather a little more evidence to prove that she’s a blood sucker.

 

I could check for her reflection in the mirror but I don’t know how to do it without her getting suspicious.

 

“Hey baby, step over here and check out this mirror.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because… ah, because… because I want to see if you could be a cast member of The Walking Dead.”

 

I would blurt that out and then she would have no other choice but to drain all of my of blood and make a nice A+ milkshake with it. .

 

Maybe I could wear a string of garlic around my neck or wait until she goes to sleep and set a crucifix on her forehead.

 

If it starts smoking, then I would know. And then she would again have no choice but to bite me and turn me into creature of the night.

 

Then again, maybe that would be good for both of us. I wouldn’t have to worry about being low on iron and she would have a companion to accompany her through all eternity.

 

Wait, eternity? That is a mighty long time and I’m not sure I can live with anyone for that long. Not even her.

 

I can just imagine that after a thousand years, seeing her come home with blood all over her nightgown, I might ask for a divorce.

 

Or a wooden stake.

 

So, I am just keeping my mouth shut. If she wants to go out every night and suck blood out of strangers, who am into stop her?

 

I’ve seen those ‘Me Too’ commercials and I certainly don’t want to be viewed as a misogynist.

 

So, I’ll just take another one of my ‘yummies’ and hope that I have enough wits about me in case she gets thirsty before morning and I’m the closest neck.

 

Sleep in wonderful. Even when the person lying beside you may decide to eat you.

 

But I’ll take that chance because I need a good long rest.

 

Let just hope it’s not in the basement lying in a coffin of dirt from Transylvania.